Since recently meeting several Saudi women, working, housewives, students, etc., a question keeps banging on the door of my mind: So many of these women are guardians of their own lives and the lives of others, so why can’t they be as such officially?
Let me give you an example. Fifty-one-year-old Dr. Serene (I’ve changed her real name, of course) is an assistant professor at one of the local universities. She is a divorcee who lives alone with her elderly mother and her 17-year-old daughter, Sarah, whom she has had custody of since her divorce. By the way, the condition of custody as dictated by her ex-husband was that she never ever marry again. In the meantime, of course, he moved on to marry again and father four more children.
Serene has only one sibling, a brother whom she only sees sporadically or when duty calls. He only responds to duty because Serene pays him SR 7,000 on a monthly basis so that he performs his “male guardian” duties, whether it is renewing passports, granting travel permits, etc. Paying him was the only way to guarantee his “services” which by law should be done by default.
Now Serene has a 52-year-old childhood friend, whom we will call Laila (they both agreed to my writing about them on the condition that I do not disclose their real names) who is a married stay-at-home mother of four teenagers with the eldest about to start her freshman year at the local university. Laila’s husband, a math school teacher, is abusive and his abuse ranges from physical to financial. So there’s the standard slapping, shoving, pinching dished out to all members of the family - Laila, 19-year-old Muna and the three boys: 11-year-old Omar, 15-year-old Saher and 16-year-old Amr.
When it comes to money, he makes them pay. “What will you pay me?” is his response when someone needs to go buy stationary. If someone needs to go to the hospital, again the same question: “how much will you pay me?”. Of course, it goes without saying that he doesn’t pay for purchases or doctor visits.
I bet you’re asking, so how does Laila cover expenses, especially as she doesn’t work? The answer is: Serene. Yes Serene, her childhood friend who already supports herself, her elderly mother and her daughter (did I mention that Sarah’s father NEVER paid a dime in alimony or anything else despite Islamic law making it obligatory that a father pay for his children and his ex, as long as the latter remains unmarried) also helps her friend Laila out.
Many of us might ask: Why does Laila stay in the marriage? Well Laila did try leaving him once. Aside from her family barely making ends meet financially, she had to leave the kids behind. The result was that they were neglected in every possible way. “I can never leave them again. I can leave when they are all out of the house.”
In fact when Laila’s youngest son Omar had a serious asthma attack and Laila’s husband refused to take them to the hospital, it was Serene who went down into the street, hailed a taxi, picked up Laila and her ailing child and went to the hospital. It was Serene who paid for the doctor visit and the medication. Later when Laila’s eldest, Muna needed money for her university studies, who helped? Yes, Serene.
I asked Serene: “You help Laila in return for what?” Her answer was: “Allah will repay us insh’Allah. He gave me Laila, the sister I never had. She was there by my side throughout my bad marriage and my horrible divorce. How can I see my sister going through this suffering and not help? I have a daughter, what if this happened to Sarah one day - God forbid? Wouldn’t I want someone to help her? I do what I can. I was lucky and I got away from a bad marriage and was able to have my child with me too. May Allah grant me the strength to do all I can to help Laila, and to ensure our children stand on their own two feet independently before God calls me from this earth.”
Serene and Laila - they are each other’s guardians. The men in their lives are just burdens, the source of their troubles. I am not saying all men are like this or that all women are like these two. What else is needed to earn them their self-guardianship that they clearly merit and deserve?
Lena,
UK
